The Secret Rescue Fantasy Of Strong Women Raised By Narcissists

How smart, capable women end up living in their heads with an imaginary prince while staying in very real pain

Brenda Stephens, Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor

Nov 19, 2025

If you are an emotionally intelligent, self supporting woman who has survived narcissistic abuse, you might recognize this pattern:

You run your life. You show up for your kids, your clients, your job. People rely on you because you are steady, insightful, and kind.

And in the background, there is a quiet movie playing in your mind.

A man you once knew.A coworker you barely know, but feel a pull toward.An old friend, a crush from years ago, someone safely unavailable.

You imagine a different life with him. A softer one. Arguments that end in repair instead of confusion. A kitchen where no one is slamming cabinet doors. A bed where you are wanted and not just used.

Sometimes that fantasy even helps you walk away from a toxic relationship. More often, it becomes a place you hide while you stay.

This is the rescue fantasy in the nervous system of a strong woman, not a helpless one.

This is who I am writing to.

This is not the Cinderella complex you read about in pop psychology

Classic language like the “Cinderella complex” frames women as secretly afraid of independence, longing to be taken care of, and wanting a man to rescue them from responsibility.

That is not the women I sit with.

I am a therapist who works only with survivors of narcissistic abuse, and I see this secret rescue fantasy come up again and again in strong, empathic women. The women I see are:

• financially responsible or at least carrying more than their share

• emotionally literate and often in therapy

• deeply empathic and sensitive to others

• raising kids, managing businesses, caring for aging parents

They do not want someone to take over their life, they simply want to stop feeling so alone in it.

The fantasy is not “please save me because I cannot function,” it’s closer to “please see me, choose me, and finally treat me as well as I treat everyone else.”

That is a very different story.

How narcissistic parents set up this kind of fantasy

If you grew up with a narcissistic parent, you were trained early to be emotionally intelligent, just not for your own benefit.

Research and clinical writing on adult children of narcissists points out that many become highly empathic, hyper attuned to the feelings of others, and overly responsible for everyone’s emotional state, because that is what kept them safe as kids.

In homes like this, children often:

• suppress their own needs to avoid conflict or criticism

• learn that love is conditional, easily withdrawn, and tied to performance

• internalize the idea that they are “too much” when they have emotions, and “not enough” when they need care

The child part of you did not only want to escape. She wanted proof that:

• someone would finally treat her as precious, not as a prop

• someone would stay, not punish, when she had needs

• someone would choose her, consistently, over image and ego

As one trauma study found, people who experienced childhood abuse and neglect are more likely to daydream about idealized relationships and idealized families later in life.

So by the time you are an adult, your conscious mind might say, “I do not need saving, I am fine,” while another part is quietly scanning for someone who finally gives you the version of love you should have had the first time around.

Not because you are weak, but because the story never got a healthy ending.

Why fantasy feels so good to smart, sensitive women

Fantasy does a few very efficient things for survivors of narcissistic abuse:

1. It lets you feel loved without any risk.In your mind, this man always texts back, always listens, does not punish you for having needs, and never explodes. Your nervous system gets a hit of safety without the mess of a real relationship.

2. It gives you an emotional exit when you do not have a practical one yet.If you are financially stuck, trauma bonded, or trying to keep your kids stable, imagining a future with someone kinder can feel like the only way to breathe.

3. It protects you from full contact with grief.Grieving your childhood and your current relationship is brutal. The fantasy softens the edges: “Yes, this is bad, but one day I will be with him and then it will all make sense.”

There is nothing stupid about this. Trauma specialists have written about how fantasy can become a coping mechanism for people who grew up without secure attachment, especially when reality felt unbearable.

The problem starts when the fantasy stops being a bridge and becomes a home.

How narcissists step right into this story

Love bombing has been documented as a common tactic in narcissistic and abusive relationships. It looks like intensity and “meant to be” romance from the outside, and it often includes lavish attention, rapid commitment, and talk of destiny.

For highly empathic women who grew up with narcissistic parents, love bombing does not just feel flattering. It feels familiar, but finally tilted in your favor:

• Instead of you scanning the room for danger, he scans you and calls you his soulmate.

• Instead of you over giving to keep the peace, he over gives at first to hook you.

• Instead of you chasing approval, he arrives already obsessed with you.

You are not falling for flowers and good morning texts. You are responding to a nervous system signal that says, “At last, here is the person who will do for you what you did for everyone else.”

That is exactly what makes you susceptible. Your kindness and emotional intelligence are being used against you.

The invisible cost of the “backup life” in your head

Let us talk about the version of this that is quieter and more socially acceptable:

You are in, or just out of, a painful relationship with a narcissist or other toxic partner. You do not cheat physically. You are loyal. You keep functioning.

And in your head, you are mentally building a life with:

• a friend who “gets you” more than your partner does

• an ex who comes back finally healed

• someone you barely know, but feel energy with

On the surface, it looks harmless. No one is getting hurt. It may even be the thing that gives you enough hope to leave one day.

Here is what I see clinically, though:

• You stay longer than you would if you had to face how bad it really feels.The fantasy acts like a painkiller. You can endure more than you should because your mind keeps leaving the room.

• You pour emotional energy into a person who is not actually here.You think about their imagined reactions, their imagined comfort, their imagined presence. That is energy you cannot spend on yourself, your kids, your actual exit plan.

• You stay emotionally unavailable in the present.You are not fully in the relationship you are in, but you are not fully out either. You live in the doorway, which is exhausting.

• You end up feeling more alone, not less.Because the imagined version is always kinder than whoever is in front of you, reality will always feel like a letdown.

That loneliness is sharp. It confirms a belief many daughters of narcissists carry: “Even in my own mind, I cannot actually have what I need.”

When the fantasy helped, and why you cannot live there

I want to honor something important. For some women, the mental image of a kinder partner really does function as a temporary lifeline.

“I deserve someone like that” can be the first step toward “I deserve better than this.”

If the fantasy gave you enough energy to leave, it served a purpose.

The danger is staying there afterward.

If you do not grieve, process, and rebuild, your nervous system will just slot the next charming, intense man into the same heroic role. Studies on adult children of narcissists show that repetition of relational patterns is very common, especially until you consciously work on attachment and boundaries.

Which is why the work is not “find a better man.”The work is “update the story.”

What healing this pattern actually looks like

This is not about shaming you out of your imagination. You needed it. You might still need it sometimes.

Healing is about changing the rules underneath the fantasy.

Here are some pieces of that work:

1. Tell the truth about how strong you already are

You are not a damsel. You are a woman who has already rescued herself multiple times.

Make a concrete list of the ways you have:

• kept yourself and others safe

• made money, made decisions, made hard calls

• walked through things that would have destroyed a less resourced version of you

You are not asking a partner to build you a life from scratch. You are inviting someone into a life you have already built.

That matters.

2. Name the fantasy as a part of you, not the whole you

Instead of “I am pathetic for thinking about him,” try:

“A younger part of me is still hoping someone will do what my parent never did.”

Stay curious. What does that part want from this man, specifically? Protection, tenderness, validation, repair?

Those are your real needs. The man is a placeholder.

3. Grieve the relationships that never were

This is the part everyone wants to skip.

Grieve the parent who never chose you. Grieve the partner who never turned into who you needed them to be. Grieve the imaginary relationship that never had a chance to exist outside your mind.

Research and lived experience both tell us that until we grieve, we recycle.

Grief closes fantasy loops that were never going to end well.

4. Build a life that feels good even without a love story

When your life is structured around waiting for “him,” every disappointment hits harder.

When your life includes:

• friendships where you feel seen

• work that feels meaningful, even on hard days

• practices that regulate your body, like sleep, movement, and actual rest

then a romantic partner becomes a chapter in your story, not the book itself.

Narcissists lose a lot of power when you do not need them to be the plot twist that saves you.

5. Set nervous system based dating rules

Smart women still have dysregulated nervous systems after narcissistic abuse. That is not a character flaw, it is biology.

So instead of trusting every intense spark, create simple rules for your future self, for example:

• If I feel “this is it” in the first month, I slow down on purpose.

• I notice how I feel in my body after dates, not just what I think about him.

• I do not make major life changes based on someone I am still idealizing.

These rules are not there to punish you. They are there to guard the empathic, hopeful, dreamy parts of you that predators target.

You are not foolish for wanting a witness

If no one has ever said this to you, let me say it here:

You were not foolish for wanting someone to see how hard it has been.You were not naive for believing in a version of love you never got.You were not “too sensitive” for being lonely in relationships that looked good from the outside.

You are a sensitive, emotionally intelligent woman whose nervous system adapted beautifully to terrible conditions. That same sensitivity, without support, set you up to be vulnerable to narcissists and to your own fantasies.

None of that is the end of the story.

You are allowed to keep your empathy, your sensitivity, and your imagination, while also learning how to keep your feet firmly in reality and your life moving forward.

Not because you gave up on love, but because you stopped waiting to be rescued and started treating yourself as someone worth building a real life for.

If this spoke to you

I specialize in working with survivors of narcissistic abuse, especially women who grew up with narcissistic or emotionally immature parents and find themselves repeating painful patterns in love.

You can learn more or connect with me through narctrauma.com, and you can listen to more conversations like this on my podcast “Two Queens and a Joker: My Narcissist’s Ex and Me.”

If you want support that understands narcissistic systems and the specific pain of narcissistic abuse, you can:

• Work with usReady to start healing? Book an appointment or join a group.Therapy, groups, and intensivesContact & waitlist

• Trauma Toolbox appGuided grounding, micro-practices, body resets, and crisis-calming audio in under five minutes.Get the app

• Podcast: Two Queens and a Joker: My Narcissist’s Ex and MeReal talk about recovery, parenting, and rebuilding a life you actually want.Listen on YouTubeListen on SpotifyListen on Apple Podcasts